Friday, October 28

我到底在干嘛


学生曾经问我惭愧和内疚的分别。

我说,惭愧是觉得自己做得不好,觉得不好意思。内疚多有因为伤害了别人而觉得难过、过意不去。

此时,我带着惭愧和内疚的心情写这篇博文。

我,口口声声说我不需要我的孩子考第一名或100分。我,是一名曾经得过“爱心老师”奖的教育工作者。我,甚至是“模范华文老师”得奖人。但是,我在教自己的孩子读书的时候,我没有爱心,没有耐心,我更加不是模范,而是一个极端错误的示范。

教幼稚园一年级的媛媛读英文听写,才教15分钟我的火就开始来了。

“练习了10多次还记不住!!”、“你有没有用你的脑!!!”、“这么简单的拼音!记起来!记起来!记起来!!!”我开始吼叫,媛媛开始慌张。她越慌,越记不得,她越记不得,我越气,我越气,我变得更加暴怒。丢书、拍桌子、摔东西这些恶劣的行为便出现了。

丢给媛爸处理,我带着愤怒到厨房去做点事让自己冷却。冷静下来后,内疚得不得了。

我没有尊重自己的孩子的学习进度。我没有给予我的孩子一个教育工作者应该有的耐心和爱心。我丑陋恶劣的行为,甚至是伤害了孩子的心灵。看到朋友们爱心满满地督促自己的孩子学习,我真的自惭形秽。

我到底在干嘛?

我是在恼怒她“不成材”吗?我是在“望女成龙”吗?我是被工作耗完了我的耐心和爱心吗?我是在揠苗助长吗?还是,我在自责因为自己忙而没有时间陪她学习而趁机发泄情绪?

也许什么都有一点。

但这不是重点。重点是,我写这篇博文自省,诚实地面对自己的缺点,提醒自己要拿出更多的耐心和爱心来教导自己的孩子。况且,说真的,媛媛是一个相当伶俐的孩子。我到底要什么?我对她的要求是什么?我要搞清楚。这样,我才能做一个更好的妈妈。

6 voices:

absolutfaith said...

I think alot of us mummies are the same. It's not bcos we want them to be #1. We always tell them it's ok if you're not the best, but you MUST try your best. And when they fumble even after learning / writing the word a million times, we are upset bcos we feel that they're not trying hard enough, they're not giving their best.

I fall into this trap when doing music with Faith. I know she can do it if she could only focus, I know her potential can be maximised. But what I fail to realise is that once the scolding begins, the child is hurt. She may then give me her best performance yet and I would say "I told you so", but it's only a result of fear and hurt. I agree with you, we have to be more patient :) Jiayou!

ccm2poco said...

因为是自己的孩子,所以才会紧张,紧张起来就难以控制自己的情绪了,妈妈放松一点,不要吓怕孩子了。
妈妈加油。

Angie said...

谢谢你们的鼓励。我会加油!我在学习更有耐心一些!大家一起加油!

said...

爱之深,责之切

Dragonfly said...

I am a mother too. I empathised with your situation. Jiayou!

Anonymous said...

Hi Angie,

Don't be too hard on yourself. You are human. The fact that you are reflecting shows that you are a good mother. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Cheers,
Dana